A few months ago I wrote, in passing, that I was surprised by how many of the readers and commenters on Motherlode are not parents. I asked them to write in and tell me why they spent time on the site, and one who answered was Melanie Notkin, who said she couldn’t speak for everyone, but she did know more than a little about being an Aunt.
Melanie is the founder of savvyauntie.com. She knows the role a child can play in your life, even if that child isn’t yours, and she has a front row seat to what she sees as an escalating tension between those with children and those without. That she is nearing 40 and has no children are two central facts about her, yes, but, as she writes in this week’s guest blog, that is only the start of everything else she is.
WITH LOVE FROM THE AUNT
By MELANIE NOTKIN
“Don’t you want kids?”
Since the day I turned 35, and steadily more often as I approach 40, I am asked this by moms (and dads) with more of an accusatory tone than with any real concern. Yes, I would love to have kids. I would love to be a mom.
But I’m not a mom.
The state of my “motherhoodlessness” is one that I grapple with on every level of my psyche and biology. But I think I need to find a father for those kids first. And that seemingly reasonable response is still often followed by the words that are like a spike in my heart: “Well then you’d better hurry up!”
It doesn’t seem to be enough for some that I wish I were a mom; lately it seems everyone wishes I were too: “Are you considering having a baby on your own?” I’ve been asked by my gynecologist, my internist, my family, my close friends, my new friends, and often enough, people who really shouldn’t care. (Answer to come below.)
If you’ve been on either side of questions like these, you know that I’m hardly alone. In fact, for just about every mom out there, there is a non-mom. The 2006 U.S. Census Bureau Fertility Report documents that 45.1 percent of women up to the age of 44 do not have kids. These non-moms include those by choice, those yet-to-be and those who are unable — those who are single and married, straight and gay. (By the way, age 44 is where the Census caps off fertility — there are of course more women without kids over the age of 44.)
A percentage of those women choose not to have children (and for them it’s the right choice), but for the others — like me — not being a mom is a matter of circumstance. I simply haven’t found the right guy at the right time to even get close to knowing what-to-expect-when-I’m-expecting. (The answer to the “Are you considering having a baby on your own?” is “Not yet. But I have not ruled it out. Yes I know, I’d better hurry up.”)
The good news is that many women, in both categories, are often loving Aunts by Relation (ABRs) to their siblings’ kids or Aunts by Choice (ABCs) to their friends’ kids, godmothers, great aunts, cool aunts, mentors and the like. And many of us who still want our own children — or not — love your children.
In fact, many aunts are not only the ones to share an enormous amount of love for your kids, they are often unsung heroes of the family. I know, because as the founder of the first online community for aunts and godmothers, I hear stories all the time. One perceptive aunt detected autism in her young niece before her parents were able to see it. One is at risk of losing her job because she spends so much time looking after her young nieces, feeling responsible to watch over them while their mom gets high and leaves them to fend for themselves. One aunt became her nephew’s mom overnight, adopting him as her own the day her sister was incarcerated.
Of course, there’s the less serious stuff we get involved in, too. We’re often happily guilty of spending too much on a birthday gift just to put a smile on a niece or nephew’s face. Or we take our nieces and nephews on fun adventures, like having an Upside Down Lunch where they get to eat dessert first, or to see their very first movie in a theater. We help them learn how to ride a bike, build a sand-castle, read a book, bake cookies and probably take them for their very first big-girl manicure. We’re at their soccer games cheering them on. As Long Distance Aunties (LDAs), we’re on video calls reading them a goodnight story. And when they’re bigger, we’re taking them to their first concert, “friending” them on Facebook (to make sure they’re safe), and yes — we’re talking to them about sex or drugs when they won’t go to you.
I’ve dubbed this segment of women: PANKs — Professional Aunts, No Kids. And at nearly half the population of American women, we’re here to help you develop and nurture your kids into the most amazing people they can be. Or at least, as you do, we try our very best.
Some of my best friends are moms. And when I launched my company, it was the moms I met on Twitter and at social media events that supported me, blogged about me and, of course, told their sisters and friends about me.
But then, there is the “ugly side” of it all; there are the moms who regard “motherhoodlessness” as less-than-ness — as if all non-moms are irresponsible, indulgent, dysfunctional and, yes, I’ve even heard “pathetic.” These are moms who look down on childless women (and child-free women) as women with little purpose. I’ve read it, seen it and it’s destructive. Women without kids can offer their discretionary time and income to give a child more love and more nurturing. (Our money, by the way, goes to more than just toys. We invest in our nieces’ and nephews’ 529 college savings plans, we pay for camp when parents can’t afford it, braces, gymnastics classes and first trips to Disney World so their mom and dad can have a break.)
So on behalf of many of the non-moms (and not-yet-moms) out there, please quit asking when we are going to have children because, whether it’s our choice or not, it’s hurtful, often out of our control, and we know, we know, if we want them, we’d better hurry up. And even if we’ve chosen not to have kids of our own, please don’t conclude that we dislike children because at the very least, we love your kids. Don’t assume we can’t possibly understand what you’re going through. While our struggles may differ, we strive to learn how to be the best women — and the best aunts — we can be. We’re not perfect. We’re not moms. But with a little more support (and dare I ask a little less judgment?) we’ll go far together.
We all agree it take a village to raise a child. We’re in your village. We’re part of your tribe. We are standing right here, hands and hugs at the ready. Welcome us on in because the clock is ticking and your kids are growing up fast. Yep, you’d better hurry up.
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