Yasin Osman

“Well, it’s that time of the year when nothing I say makes any sense.”

“We’ve worked too hard on our circadian rhythms to throw it all away because ‘the city is opening up.’ ”

“She loves me. . . . She’s only replying to me because she’s bored in quarantine, and as soon as she gets her vaccine it’ll be the last I hear from her. . . . She loves me. . . .”

Repent! Repent!

“At this time, we’d like to begin boarding all the passengers who feel it’s soooooo necessary to, like, goooooo on vacation right now.”

Let’s unleash the pharmaceutical industry on societal ills that go way beyond the coronavirus.

“Just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse, I find out the Knicks are playing again.”

“I can quit anytime I want!”

“In an unexpected turn of events, Nevada has lost the popular vote.”

“And that’s when they realized that Halloween, much like the rest of 2020, would be all trick and no treat.”

Required reading during the pandemic.

“But on your profile you said that you were looking for someone kind, caring, and nonconforming to social norms!”

“Just so you know, I’m the king of this place.”

“Can I just say I love that your restaurant hasn’t taken the necessary steps to keep this place safe and sanitary.”

“How come you guys never talk to me?”

“When you’re done recording, send it to me so I can also express my solidarity.”